Within

There's a need to let go,
A need to forgive,
A need to close my eyes,
To endless fruitless trials

There's a face that can smile,
A face that can glow,
What I see no one else can see,
No one else commiserates with me.

The mind keeps wandering,
At war with the past,

Body and soul still,
Forgetting the present.

To hold on or to let go,
To run or to hide,
To sink deep down,
Forever within me.

‘Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish I could…’

This was written way back in 2000, my mind boggles at the fact that it has been more than 10 years. If I remember correctly, I had written this when I was in the 11th standard. A couple of years later, I had given this poem to the college magazine. I didn't really expect it to actually make it to the college magazine and yeah, it did but this poem was listed under the section called 'Black Comedy' !! I got no proper explanation for this and very much a cruel joke!


‘Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wish I could…’

Every day as I walk past the Church,
And step into the lonesome graveyard,
I see your face in the polished gravestone,
A pang of sadness engulfs me.

I place the red roses,
And take away the old ones.
Then I sit next to you,
And talk to you,
Of yesterday’s ventures,
And of ones to come.

Nostalgia is just not the word,
To describe my feelings,
When I sit with you.
To think that the times we had are,
The only memories I have, to cherish all my life.

An hour with you, sadly, is all that I can spare.
But those wild violets,
Blooming nearby,
Will keep you company, day and night.

With a heavy heart, I take leave of you,
Then turn back and whisper to you,
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wish I could,
Forever, be with you.”

Forget me not, Forget me never…

(Written sometime in 2003)

Forget me not,
Forget me never…

Forget me not,
Forget me never,
Those last bitter words,
Whether we meant it or not,
Spoken from the heart or just from the mouth,
We parted in our own different ways.

Forget me not,
Forget me never,
All those promises made,
To keep our sweet memories afresh as ever,
To relive them, I cannot, for the rest of my days.

Forget me not,
Forget me never,
The distance between us kills me,
Nostalgic moments of the past haunt me,
Looks like we have no other choice these days,
Miles apart now, but close at heart, always.

Sleepless Nights

This one was written during a sleepless night some years ago.

Sleepless Nights

Lying on my bed,

Ceiling staring at my open eyes,

Lost in the darkness of night,

My sad flutter of eyes,

Alas! No sleep, it’s a sleepless night.

Tears well up,

As sad thoughts sail through my mind,

Faint sounds of the night,

Seems so very loud in my ears, haunting me.

Why me?

Can’t I be left to sink into the deep ocean of sleep?

Worn out body, life so mundane,

Wish I could close my eyes,

And see blackness around me,

Until the morning sun shines down on me.

Hours pass by, not a wink of sleep do I get,

I get up from my bed,

And stand beside the window.

Staring at twinkling stars,

I remember my mother’s words,

“Stars twinkle at night,

To tell you that you are not alone,

If ever a day comes,

When I am not beside you,

Don’t worry my sweet child,

Close your eyes and think of me,

I shall pat you to sleep.

Though I will be far away from you,

Sleepless nights will bring me closer to you.

There is not a single day,

That I wouldn’t watch over you from the heavens.

Your sleepless nights are the nights I shall visit you,

To close your eyes until the light of dawn shines upon you.”

One of those days

This was a poem that I had written two and a half years back. I composed this one during office hours. I was caught red-handed by my Project Lead and that's how he and the rest of my team discovered that I liked to write. I remember I was quite embarrassed when this one was circulated to the rest of the team.

(Dated: 20/09/2007)

One of those days

Feelin so high,

Face plastered with a smile,

Just one of those days,

I feel things are going my way.

Sun rays gently caress my face,

Feels like it's one of those days,

When Daddy would pat on my head,

For everything that I do today.

People ask the reason as to why,

I am glowing like a newlywed bride,

I guess it's just one of those days,

When things are going right,

Things are going my way.

I walk at a pace,

Sounds like the rhythm of dancing feet,

What can be the source of my happiness?

It's just another brand new day,

My smile convinces me that sure,

It's definitely, one of those days.

Before you go…

After more than a year, I browsed through some of the stuff that I had written and kept as draft versions. I realised I had lots kept in drafts, many of them long forgotten. I decided I would post them one by one.

For starters, I thought I would post the below which I had written 6 years back !!!
I don't even remember what inspired me to write this.

(Dated: 10/4/2004)

Before you go

To express my feelings to you or anyone,

Something nature has not given me,

Sadly when I want to, I realise, I’m late,

Spoken feelings are few; unspoken, so many.

Occasions come and go,

But not a word from me though,

Years pass by,

But I haven’t told you so,

You are the special occupant of my heart,

Living in the softest corner I own.

Friendship and love,

Endangered or extinct that they may seem,

You made me see, that they still exist, in you & me.

Dear one, you know me and I know you,

Of all the troubles I caused you,

You’ve never turned your back on me.

Never do I remember doing a favour,

In return for the ones you have favoured me.

Now I see you lying on death’s bed,

With pangs of sadness and teary eyes,

This poem I am writing to let you know,

‘Before you go, let me hold your hand,

Look into my eyes & vow me that,

You will find a place for us to be,

In Heaven, where they shall be,

Don’t have to wait too long for me,

‘Cause I can’t live on my own, without you beside me.’

The Last One

This one was written in 2006. It was a year of farewells. This is the year I graduated from college. All those I had known for the past 4 years were going to leave town to fulfil their dreams of higher studies or join their dream companies. For personal reasons, I had to stay back at home for a while before I could enter the next phase of my life.

(Dated: Sep 2006)

The Last One

In my lifetime so far,

I have met many,

That has touched my heart,

In ways I cannot contemplate,

Every phase of life,

Comes a time to say goodbye,

I would be there always,

To bid farewell, to my loved ones.

Somehow, I am the last one,

To leave my destination,

I turn back, I see no one,

To say goodbye,

Everyone has left before me,

Always the last one,

All that is left is to say farewell,

To the trees and fields,

Whose silence comforts me when I am alone.

A Sweet Innocent Face

Here is yet again something that I had written a long time ago. Just felt like posting it on my blog today.

(Dated: 10/12/2003)

A Sweet Innocent Face

As I walked upon the dusty lane,
And looked at the shops and their window panes,
Reflections and illusions of happy known faces,
Later I realised they were life’s long lost pages.

Faces of friends, distant and near,
Faces of relatives, some sweet and dear,
Not all show their true colours,
To me, many of them are,
Just a bunch of faded flowers.

But your face amongst them all,
Innocent and radiant as always and forever,
Stuck in my mind since last fall,
To try to forget, oh, I can never.

Your name, I didn’t know,
Where you lived, I didn’t care,
Exchanged smiles were only what time could spare,
When our paths crossed on the same old dusty lane.

Only once do I remember,
While attending a funeral in late December,
Glanced around for someone familiar,
When I saw your tearful innocent face.
It pained me to see you there,
By the coffin, sorrowful and in despair,
Looks like the dead one took it all away,
That radiance, that smile,
That had always touched me, in a very special way.

Not in words, not in deeds,
Could I, console this innocent face.
But our eyes met and said it all,
Like how we used to on other days.

A few more days, I remember,
I saw you, face to face,
Recovering from your sad loss, at a slow dragging pace.

Then one day henceforth,
Never have our paths crossed again.
You left me in subtle sadness,
With thoughts that told me that,
I may never see you again.

How come we never spoke?
Still remains an enigma to me.
Maybe one fine day,
We’ll meet on the same old dusty lane,
But this time, there is gonna be a change,
For I will certainly make,
More than just an acquaintance,
When I see your sweet innocent face.

Adieu, not my last word

I have the habit of observing people and their reactions to various situations. I guess that is why I tend to imagine or in some cases almost foresee how a person would react or emote to a particular situation. This poem is based on how I foresaw one of my friend's reactions when he left for a long-term onsite assignment last year.

(Dated: 3/10/07)

Adieu, not my last word

It's time to bid adieu,
To all my childhood memories,
To sweet adolescence,
And people, near and dear to me.

A new challenge lies ahead,
My happiness knows no bounds,
I foresee my dreams coming true,
Tomorrow will be a brand new day for me.

I begin to walk away,
I turn back to see my angels,
A pang of nostalgia hits me,
All those who have spent my life with me so far,
Their eyes gleam with joy and subtle sadness.

As the time to depart nears,
I gaze beyond the seas,
Stretched out far and wide,
I know, fate has something in store for me.
A new world of promise lies ahead,
But my heart is heavy,
I have left something behind.

My mind, now a whirlwind of emotions,
Tingled by a haunting sensation,
I believe this is a small world,
I will be back to where my heart belongs,
Adieu is not my last word to thee.

At first, I thought his reaction to reading this poem was strange; he got irritated. I got the feeling he didn't like it but later he told me that he was upset reading about his true feelings and memories flashed back to his mind of how his mother was very sentimental about parting with him at the airport. I was surprised at his reaction, I felt a mixture of sympathy and joy; sympathy because I felt sorry for him. And joy because, from a selfish perspective, the poem hit the right chord with the character I had in mind.

Distant Voices

The following poem is an exploration of the possible mindset of a mother:

(Dated: 14/11/2005)

Distant Voices

Walking into my room of memories,
The table and chair are so empty,
Faint voices I hear,
Reverberating in a distance,
Sounds of laughter and innocent play are what I hear.

Framed pictures of them,
Flashes me back to the past,
Of giggles of children,
That seemed like forever.

When they grew up, I never knew.
Their minds no more of hugs and fun,
But of distant lands,
Their eyes shining with visions,
Of prosperity and progress.

When can I hold their hands again?
Like I used to when I taught them to walk.
When will I get to hear them say goodnight,
And give that good night kiss.

How long will I have to wait?
To hold them in my arms
Am I living in their thoughts?
Or just part of a picture frame?

Sleepless nights I have,
When I think of them.
Are they safe?
Do they know what is right and wrong?
Wish they could call me and say,
“Mom…I am fine. I love you!”

I know,
I still live, in some corner of their minds.
That’s enough for me.
I can hear distant voices,
I know one day,
I will wake up to see their beautiful faces,
Staring at my weary face.

Ruffled thoughts

Recently I visited Marina Beach in Chennai. It is really a long stretch and I had gone in the evening with friends. There was a cool breeze and all of us had a relaxing time. Yes, this is the very same beach where many witnessed the Tsunami and drove everyone into a frenzy. A shiver still goes down one's spine at the very thought of it. I closed my eyes and my mind travelled way back in time and ruffled through some strange thoughts once again.

I had written a poem way back in 2004; thankfully I have the habit of noting down the date (at least the year) for most of the stuff I write. This is based on a nightmare I had around that time. It was the 4th of November. I remember that it was a lazy afternoon and I was studying for an exam and as usual, fell asleep on my book. The bad dream lasted only for a few minutes but that was enough to leave my mind disturbed for a very long time.

In my dream, I was walking with my family on the beach. The sea was calm and waves came in and tickled at our feet. Although I was walking with them, I slowly lagged behind. I was really enjoying myself with the waves lashing at my feet and did not realize that I was away from everyone. All of a sudden I see a huge wave; huge was just not the word to describe it. It looked unreal to me. Before I could do anything, I was swept away and dragged into the sea. I could hear someone call out my name. It was my father, rushing towards me to catch hold of me. But all his efforts were in vain, I was swept completely and the next minute I woke up in fright, sweating with fear. I was thinking of the dream the rest of the day and thought as to why the wave was so huge. How unreal it was. Not that it was unusual for me to have weird dreams, but this one lingered in my mind for quite a while. Writing has often proved as a stress buster for me so that night I sat down and wrote a poem, loosely based on my dream. I did not want to pen down how huge the wave was, probably I was not convinced how waves be as huge as I had seen them in my dream. So keeping that in mind, that night I wrote the following poem:

Dated : ( 4/11/2004)

Rose

Staring at sea,
Staring at nothingness in front of me,
Staring at the cause of my silence,
Since the day Rose left me.

So tiny was she,
Full of giggles & dimpled smiles,
My fingers held her hand,
She knew she was safe with me.

Living by the seashore,
The waves knew me,
At every stage of my life,
I shared it with the sea,
They were such good listeners,
Expressions they evoked,
Sometimes with furious waves,
Sometimes with gentle,
caressing waves at my feet,
They listened to my woes and happy dreams.

Nostalgic memories of Rose’s birth,
Flashes back into my mind,
I remember I broke the news first to the sea,
Their waves came ashore, sharing their happiness with me.

A year passed by,

Rose began to crawl,

Before I knew it,

She started to walk.

I took her by the hand,

Introduced her to the sea,

Her anxious eyes soon relaxed,

She became friends with the sea.

A few years passed by,

Her bond with the sea,

Became strong as ever,

Just like mine with the sea.

One day sitting at the shore,

Watching Rose play with receding waves,

She squealed with delight, as the waves tickled at her feet.

As I listened to Rose's happy giggles,

I closed my eyes and laid back,

Feeling the salty breeze,

Blow against me.

Rose's voice started to fade away,

I thought I fell asleep,

Her squeals sounded of terror and fright,

I opened my eyes and ran towards the raging waves,

But Rose was nowhere in sight,

Only raging sounds of water,

The waves wickedly laughed at me.

I sat and stared at the sea,

It was nothingness to me,

Numbed with sadness and agony,

Ever since the day Rose left me.

On 26th December 2004, I realised what I saw in my dream was not unreal and if I had known what a tsunami was, I would have not underplayed the ferocious waves in my poem. May the souls who passed away on that day, rest in eternal peace.